Wednesday, February 12, 2014

My Related Paper About Plastic

Hey everybody. This is my attempt to post more, so it's Whatever Wednesday. My favorite of the days. I'm just kidding, this is probably my least favorite of the days, but I had an idea. So today I'm going to share with you a paper I actually turned in to one of my teachers. And once you read it you are probably going to be like "what the hell is wrong with this girl." but I'm gonna share it with you anyways. A little background, the paper was supposed to be about a documentary we watched about how plastic is killing the world. I hated it. It was well filmed, and well narrated, and it wasn't even that boring, I just didn't care about plastic. We were supposed to talk about three things we learned and we were supposed to give a solution to the plastic problem. I got a 75 on this paper, so a solid C. I think I deserved an A+ (not really it was horrible). So I want to hear what you think about this paper that I actually turned in. Enjoy. Sorry about the formatting. Blogger is being ridiculous and a half. Maybe I can fix it, maybe I can't.

Sam Guinen
Why I Don’t Care About Plastic

First let me give you a little disclaimer. This paper is either going to be the best paper you've ever read, or it’s going to get me a detention. Either way I don’t care, I’m writing it anyways. This paper is going to go off track so many times it probably won’t even make any sense. By the end I’m sure I won’t even know what I’m talking about because I’m really just trying to get it to three pages. So far this paragraph is doing a good job of filling space.

You really picked the wrong day to assign this paper. I’m not having a good day, Chuck. So fair warning, this paper is going to be hella sassy, and probably horribly written. Like I’m talking straight up choppy sentences and like horrid grammar. So let’s get on with this nonsense so I can get to Mrs. Edwards’ paper, which it the one I actually kind of care about.  
So plastic. It’s 100%, irrefutably, bad for the environment. It’s like smoking. Everyone knows it’s bad for you, but people do it anyways, which is fine. By now if you try to deny that smoking is bad for you then you honestly probably deserve whatever happens to you. This isn’t 1952 anymore, it’s, unfortunately, 2014, we know better. It’s the same thing with plastics. Everyone knows that they don’t break down in the environment. Everyone knows that it’s going to the ocean and killing the fish. Everybody knows. If you don’t know then you’re probably in a third world country. I never got the third world first world thing. Like, are there second world countries? I’m being complete real right now. I’m curious. Hold, let me look it up.           

 There are. I guess there are fourth world countries too. Weird. Speaking of third world countries, how about India. Yeah, it’s sad to watch those people live in filth, but I feel such disconnect to it. It’s not me, why do I care? I don’t. I know you know that I don’t care, but I’m going to say it again anyways. I. Do. Not. Care. Maybe the country should get its act together and build like garbage places (dumps, now that I think of it). Why doesn’t the government step in and actually do something? Why aren’t the people revolting if it’s so bad? It doesn’t seem like a problem to me. Just clean it up. Like, it’s not that hard. Clearly they need stricter regulations. I don’t think India is a problem because it will sort itself out eventually. Maybe I would care more if I saw it for real. I think you should pay to send me and Slank to India. Just kidding. I do want to go there someday though.            

Did I tell you about me and Slank’s RV trip? Yeah we’re gonna buy an RV next summer and travel cross country. So the entire time I was watching that stupid plastic documentary I was just looking for places to go. He didn’t really go anywhere that we can take our RV though. So like I guess we need to invent like an RV boat thing, because I would actually like to go to India, and Italy, and everywhere. Obviously I don’t have that kind of cash. I’m just in retail. I would like to try my hand at waitressing. I’m really good at being fake nice to people.          

Let’s get back to why I don’t care. I guess people are all butthurt because fish eat the plastic and then we eat the fish and then we get sick. Well here’s why I don’t care: I don’t eat fish. Fish is gross. I don’t understand why anybody would eat fish. Here’s how you fix that problem: Stop eating fish. You don’t need it that badly. Like I don’t understand why everyone overcomplicates it. Go eat a chicken. I don’t even care.            

Sometimes I think I’m a sociopath. Don’t worry, I said sociopath, not a psychopath. If that were the case then we’d have a problem. What, don’t know the difference? While both sociopaths and psychopaths have no moral compass, no empathy, no sense of caring for themselves or others, and are usually pretty manipulative people, a psychopath is someone who is going to be violent. A sociopath (me) isn’t going to be violent. I don’t think I give you enough credit, you probably already knew the difference. Let’s move on. Surprising unrelated paragraph jump now!            

Plastic has chemicals in it that cause cancer? I can’t say I’m surprised. Everything causes cancer these days. By this time in our lives we pretty much all know someone who has died from cancer, or at least had it. It sucks. It really really really sucks. I can’t even describe how horrible it is to know someone is dying right in front of you and not being able to do a damn thing about it.  And that’s just the thing, I can’t do anything about it.            

When I was younger I use to (still do) eat microwave popcorn daily. And when it came out of the microwave I use to lick the butter off the bag. I don’t know if you know this, but that’s actually hella bad for you. If damage was done, then damage was done. I was little. So someday if I get cancer I’m gonna go with the popcorn as a reason why. What happened, happened (that’s from Lost, which is the best show ever). I can’t do anything to change it. Neither can you. Everyone is going to die someday. Some sooner than others. Plastic has been around us our entire lives. We can’t fix ourselves now. It’s too late. Damage done. End of discussion. Even know as I stuff my face with cheese-its I’m eating them out a plastic bag. What else am I supposed to use? Glass? No. Paper? No. Plastic is a staple of life and it’s not going anywhere. Even if it did, it’s too late for me.            

But what about your future kids? Is it too late for them? Which brings me to another huge I don’t care. You see, everyone is so worried about their future kids and what kind of environment they’re going to be raising them in. Which they should. People who are having kids should want to give them the absolute best future possible. Well, I’m never having kids. And no, this isn’t one of those classic teenager things where the teen is like I hate kids blah blah teenage angst. No, I really do hate kids. They’re sticky, and the poop, and cry, and smell, and the list could go on and on for reasons why I hate kids. So I don’t care about the worlds future, because I have no future stake in it. While I can get and respect people wanting to make the world safer for their kids, that’s just not something I have to worry about. If I ever did have a kid it would probably be accidently and I would give that thing up so fast the speed of light would be impressed.            

I’m impressed with you for reading this far. I don’t know why you put up with this bull. If I was you I would hate me, but for some reason I get the feeling that it’s not the case. Why? Chuck, I’m not a good child, despite what you might believe. I’m a bad child. I’m rude, sassy, incredibly lazy, and you know, I’m kinda mean. Remember how I said I’d like to try my hand at waitressing because I’m good at being fake nice to people? Well, I’m fake sorry to say, you’ve been fake niced. I am the meanest person you will ever meet. Just ask Slank. Like. Girl should have bitch slapped me at least a dozen times now. I’m so mean even B-Souz has slapped me. Like. How do you ever get B-Souz that mad? You don’t know me at all.            

Wow just a little more to finish off this paper and I’ll be done, but I actually have a lot more to talk about so this might end up being like four pages. Maybe not. We’ll see how lazy I’m feeling. I think I’ve got most of the sass out too, so I’ll be able to do Mrs. Edwards’ paper sass-free.            

So I’d like to go back to where I was talking about cancer and how it sucks. Now I’d like to talk about death. Do you remember the first time you came to terms with your mortality? It’s funny, when I ask this question a lot of people say that they do. I don’t. I feel like I’ve just always known. So I don’t care. I don’t care when I die or how. If it’s death by plastic toxins I don’t think I’d have a problem with that. People are always trying to pro-long their existence. But why? Maybe we weren’t meant to get old and gray. I think they had it right back in the pilgrim days when they got married at fifteen and died at the age of thirty-five. Plastic is just another barrier the human race will have to overcome to pro-long the inevitable. Why bother? When you think about it, I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask for plastic to be my problem. It’s really not fair that two people can just decide to force a human into this world when it’s very possible the child will be miserable. It’s not fair that we have to go to school, get tortured, make friends, go to work, have more babies, get old, and die. Like I didn’t ask for that. And on top of it I have to care about plastic? No. Not going to happen. #SorryNotSorry. I can’t do all that. I certainly am not going to waste my time caring about the plastic and where it ends up.            

There’s one thing I learned today (or yesterday, depending on when you read this). You said something about alligator penis’s being hella small. That concerns me. Like those poor alligators must be all butthurt about their manhood. And if it can happen to alligators then what’s to stop it from happening to humans. Okay, you caught me. I don’t care about the alligators. I care about the human men this could be ruining.
So this paper probably didn’t make any sense and it probably didn’t fit any of the criteria because I didn’t actually read the board. But you should give me an A anyways. A is for awesome, which is another word for this paper. I mean like I guess I’ll take a B, but anything less than that would not be cool with me because it just took me an entire hour and a half to type this. It would have taken less time but I had to text Jacob every few minutes or he would get hella butthurt. So please give me a good grade. I deserve it and I am your favorite student. Okay peace out. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Top Seven Future Reads

Hey, look, I'm actually posting something. It's Top Seven Tuesday, though as I'm writing this it's getting pretty close to Whatever Wednesday. I'm not even sure what top seven I'm going to do. At first I was thinking my top seven English teachers and then a frightening realization hit me that I don't even remember half of their names. Then I was just going to to do top seven teachers, but then I couldn't figure out if I was going to put Chuck at stop seven or spot one and I'm just not having that bullshit tonight. So... I'm still thinking. Give me a minute.

I got it. Currently, on Goodreads, I have 189 books on my to-read shelf. So today my top seven is: The Top Seven Books I Am Looking Forward To Reading. That's a long ass title. I think I'll shorten it on the title box.

Looking For Alaska by
 John Green 
7) Looking For Alaska by John Green. I've been putting off reading this for a long time, mostly because I was too lazy to buy it. But my Grandparents got my sister ALL of John Green's books for Christmas so I'll probably borrow it from her. I can't wait to read this book. I'm more than excited for it. Everyone who has read it says that they loved it. So it's on my list. John Green is one of my most favorite people in the world. Like if I met him I think I would just die. The end. I'm dead. I'd pass out so hard.

6) Rise of Heroes by Hayden Thorne. It's a gay superhero story. What more can I say.

5) R.I.P: Choices After Death by Daniel Sherrier. I can't remember for the life of me where I found out about this book, but I did, and it looks awesome. It's high up on my must read list. It just looks good. I'll link you to the Goodreads description here. Totally worth checking out, or at least i think so. Ghost stories have kind of always been my thing though.
Article 5 by
Kristen Simmons

4) Article Five by Kristen Simmons. There's really only one reason I want to read this book, and it's my sister Amy. To set the mood of the story allow me to tell you about our relationship. It's not a good one. I literally accidentally knocked over her pain stand a few nights ago and she wrote a status about how she wants to kill me over it. I broke it. Oops. But that's just one of the many reasons why she hates me and never lets me touch any of her stuff. She got the book on her Kindle for summer reading and she said it was so good that she would let me borrow her kindle so I could read it. She doesn't even trust me to touch her keys, never mind her kindle. So that's why I have to read it. If it's so good she's actually going to let me borrow something of her's then it would just be an injustice not to read it.
Born at Midnight
by C.C Hunter

3) Born at Midnight by C.C. Hunter. This is one that I've been meaning to read for a really really really long time. The only reason I want to read it is because the main characters name is Kylie, and that's my best friends name (that and the story actually sounds good, so). But it was just one of those books that caught my eye, and  I think the cover looks really nice. So that's why I'm up for it.

2) Croak by Gina Damico. Another book I've been meaning to read for, like, ever. I can't remember what originally attracted me to the book, but I remember being really excited when I heard about it like a year ago. It is about Grim Reapers though, so that's pretty awesome. I love Grim Reaper stories so much it hurts. Mary, a friend of mine who reads like three books a day, also gave it a really high praise. I don't know why that matters, because the books she picks usually suck, but it makes me feel a little bit better. Hecka excited to finally start reading it soon. I have high hopes which usually is not a good thing.

Gay Porn Book
1) And the number one is? Community Service by Vaughn R. Demont. The third and final (I think final?) gay porn book series that I love so much. I kind of had to take a break from reading them because my mother was like: "ARE YOU READING PORN? KNOCK IT OFF." So I had to wait until she forgot, and she hasn't mentioned it in a while so I think I am in the clear. This series makes me feel so much I might die. I cannot wait for Spencer and James to team up in the third book. I'm gonna cry buckets of gay porn tears. So excited I might die. I cannot stress that enough.

So that's my top seven. I hope you enjoyed this post, because I'm pretty sure that it will be my only one this month. I'm swamped until we finish Dracula and get done with all the senior projects. So enjoy. And always, sorry I don't post enough.